Bonus Episode: Defining Who You Are Starts With Who You Are Not

I am a logical person. And one of the most useful tools when applying logic is deduction – the process of ruling out.

Deduction is very effective. So effective we call the ability to use this process as one’s “powers of deduction.”

You Are Not Your Former “Bad” Boss

In the workshops I do with young leaders I ask them, “Who do you want to be as a leader?”

This question often stumped these young leaders. They often responded, “I know who I don’t want to be as a leader – my [current/former] bad boss.”

That is the power of deduction.

We remember how we felt when we had to deal with someone who upset us. Without realizing, it shapes who you become as a leader, a partner,  a coworker, a friend and a parent.

As a young leader I put more thought into avoiding being perceived as a “bad boss” than a good boss. However, it then lead me to consider what experience I did want to create for my team.

Here’s one of my bad-boss stories.

At one point in my career in mutual fund operations,  I was the team leader for the financial processing department. I inherited a new boss who came from another division.

There were several reasons he was given this opportunity. He was friends with my department head and he was starting to become a disruptive person in his previous role. It was thought with the change of scenery and new responsibilities he would settle down, get serious, and shine as a new leader.

I’m sure you know where this is heading.

As team leader of the financial department I was accountable for our quality results. The mistakes we made messed with other people’s money; this brought a lot of unwanted attention.

Who I Did Not Want To Be

My new boss made hiring decisions based on a need to fill the seats, work experience and friendship. He did not hire for attitude or values and before I knew it I was leading a team of 5 people – 4 of whom were on the disciplinary track for the quality of their work within 6 months!

One other person on the team should have been doing Quality Control with me for half their day but no one was qualified to do it – so I had to do it alone.

My new boss didn’t feel comfortable with the task of Quality Control as he was new to the division so he would give me a pep talk instead.

I felt overwhelmed. I came in early, stayed late, and ate lunch at my desk to try to keep up with the work.

My boss came in on time, left on time, had lunch everyday with his buddies and would spend parts of the day in his old division catching up with “old friends.”

I gained 40 pounds in one year. Eating fast food to save time and feeling too tired to exercise compounded over time. Also, I started drinking wine at the end of the day to assist in letting the stress go. I had never been much of a drinker before this point.

Then came my opportunity to be promoted to Supervisor, move to Maine, and develop a whole new team.

Can you imagine the type of leader I committed to be for this new team?

My team over the next 8 years would describe me as hands-on, supportive, caring, dedicated, focused, quality-driven and hard-working.

I never wanted anyone who worked for me to feel like I felt working for my former boss. And to my knowledge no one did.

Starting from a place of who I was not as a leader I came to an identity of who I am as a leader.

Here is another area we are going to look into to determine who you are not…

Click to Tweet!: Defining who you are starts with who you are not https://womentakingthelead.com/bonus18 #leadership #style

Who You Become Under Stress is Not Who You Are

Have you ever been in a negative relationship or a situation and over time you notice there are some changes in your personality and how you respond to things. Changes and responses that you are not proud of.

Rather than saying the sweet words we hear in dramas, “they make me a better person” or “they make me want to be a better person” you find yourself uttering, “I don’t like who I am when I’m around them.” Or, “when I’m there I’m like a different person.”

This is who you are not!

You say those things, you do those things but they feel wrong and you don’t like it. That’s the sign that it’s not THE REAL YOU.

Your Alter Ego Takes Over in Times of Stress

Whenever you feel at odds with how you are showing up and how you are behaving you are sure to find your default stress reaction at play.  This is your alter-ego, the persona you become under stress to try to protect you from any perceived threat.

I become controlling when I get stressed. I micromanage and get lost in details and research. If you know me you would know details and research are not where I choose to hang out on a day-to-day basis.

Likely, when your alter-ego is a play you’ll find yourself doing things that are the opposite of what you would normally do if things weren’t so tense.

The issue with the alter-ego is it started to develop when you were very young, when you didn’t know as much as you do now. Think 6-8 years old.

Since the alter-ego came into existence you have become more experienced, skilled, wise and resourceful. But your alter-ego isn’t aware of that and so it jumps in to save the day thinking you are not capable to handle the situation, that you are still 8-years-old, and as a result your alter-ego makes you feel small, incapable and out-of-control.

In the next several bonus episodes I’m going to cover some common stress reactions. I’m hoping you will gain an awareness of your own alter-ego so you’ll be able to see it in action when something stressful occurs.

With this awareness you’ll be able to make a different choice. You will be able to respond to stress powerfully, resourcefully and with commitment.

Resources

Apply to be on an “On-Air Coaching” episode: Are you a female leader who has been promoted in the last year? You are invited to apply to be on the podcast.

Checklist to Ask Your Company for Coaching: Would coaching help you become a stronger leader? Wondering if your company would pay? It doesn’t hurt to ask!

Leadership Operating System Quiz: Wondering what kind of Leadership traits you have? Take this FREE, FAST quiz and find out more about yourself as a Leader.

Leadership Coaching: If you interested in finding out more about my coaching process, the cost of coaching, or how to ask your employer to pay for you to work with a coach, schedule a call with me.

Accomplished: How to Go from Dreaming to Doing: The book containing a simple, step by step system that gives you the foundation and structure to take your goals and make them happen.

The Women Taking the Lead Podcast

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