Bonus Episode: Common Stress Reactions That Derail You [Part 2]

This episode represents the last of three bonus episodes that I have dedicated to talking about who we are not. Namely, out alter-ego that has a tendency to appear when we are under stress.

I introduced the concept of the alter-ego in Bonus Episode 18, Defining Who You Are Starts With Who You Are Not, and dove into two of the most common stress reactions in Bonus Episode 19, Common Stress Reactions That Derail You [Part 1].

In this episode I’m going to give an overview of two other common stress reactions and what you can do if you choose not to utilize these reactions in any given moment. I say choose because I want to underline that there is no right or wrong in how you respond to stress it’s just that some reactions will move you toward your goals while others will move you away from your goals.

Tolerating/coping: The Chameleon 

While this stress reaction is much more agreeable and feels better than shutting down or over-reacting, if you constantly choose this method of dealing with stress you will never be truly happy. This is the stress reaction of choosing your battles but you must choose wisely.

While tolerating and coping are great short-term strategies they are debilitating long-term strategies.

For example, if you had guests coming for the weekend you’re not likely to bring up and address every little thing they do that doesn’t follow house rules or just plain gets on your nerves. They are there for a short time and the goal is to make your guests comfortable and for everyone to have a good time.

So, you tell yourself they just don’t know better, you put it aside and move on.

However, if these guests are building a new home and out of the graciousness of your heart you offered to have them live with you for 3-6 months it would be a different story. In this instance you would be better off using a different strategy:  having a conversation up front about house rules, expectations and strategies of dealing with conflict.

But many of us don’t think to set expectations in advance. You see, we have been raised to be The Chameleon.

We grew up hearing, “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all” or “Bite your tongue.”

The Price of Avoiding Conflict

Instead of resolving conflict we stew in silence or vent to a trusted friend and colleague. Venting relieves some of the pressure but the problem remains.

In the wild, chameleons are known for their ability to blend into their environment. They take on the colors and patterns around them so a predator cannot detect their presence.

The problem is when you become the chameleon you hide who you really are and take on a persona that feels uncomfortable to you. And, it takes a tremendous amount of energy for you to change your spots, so to speak. More energy than you realize.

Think about when you come into a new situation and you’re meeting new people. You’re likely on your “best behavior” because you want to make a good impression or at the very least not make a bad impression. You put extra effort into your appearance, think about what you say before you say it and your behavior is guided by what’s proper or expected.

How exhausted are you by the time you’re back in your home, your safe space, and you can let your guard down?

Now consider all the areas, relationships and places in your life that you overlook and tolerate things that bother you because you don’t want to make a fuss. The difference here is rather than being in a new situation, which gets your attention, these other situations are one’s you adapted to over time. You likely don’t even give much conscious thought to them anymore – but your subconscious is giving them a lot of consideration.

In relationships, are you being nice (inauthentic) or are you being kind (compassionate)? Because sometimes compassion looks like telling someone the truth, even if it causes conflict, even if they don’t want to hear it, even if you don’t want to say it.

Sometimes telling someone “it’s fine” when it’s not is a betrayal to the relationship. Non-conflict becomes more important than the relationship.

Is it truly not a big deal or is the truth that you are too uncomfortable with conflict so you’ll be miserable rather than say anything?

That is until one day the situation becomes “threatening” to your lifelong happiness and The Amazon Warrior comes out.

Our alter-ego tricks us into believing “non-conflict” is the same as peace and harmony. But it’s a lie. Because the conflict still lives within you and there is a price to pay when you wage that war on the inside.

Do You Feel Like You’re Aging Too Fast?

If you feel tired in the morning, have a hard time focusing on or engaging in what’s in front of you, if you need to recover on the weekends you are likely using this stress reaction as a strategy in many areas of your life.

Many people use “I’m getting old” to dismiss the symptoms of this stress reaction but that’s just denial. That’s The Chameleon at play. Take “I’m getting old” out of your vocabulary and replace it with “I’m not dealing with something.”

The devastating effects of using this stress reaction as a long-term strategy are the same effects of growing old quickly. I know many people who feel and act like they are 20 years older than their real age. The tolerating is taking a toll on their body.

There is a cure for this mysterious early-aging disease. It’s called conflict-resolution.

When my clients go through my coaching system they identify everything they are tolerating in their lives and start addressing them one-by-one. In no time they start feeling different.

They have said things to me such as:

“It’s like a weight has been lifted.”

“I never noticed how hard it was to breath but after the conversations I started taking deeper breaths. Huh, I had no idea.”

“I cleaned out the garage this weekend. I have no idea where the energy came from.”

Have you ever wondered where some people get the energy they have? If you take a close look you’ll probably see a person who addresses conflict calmly and directly as it arises. They are not using The Chameleon as their stress reaction and so they don’t waste energy on being someone they are not.

Is it time for you to let go of being The Chameleon?

To prevent The Chameleon’s energy drain commit to being true to who you are and what you are feeling. Say “no” when you want to say “no” and say “yes” when you want to say “yes”

If it’s a situation that requires you to make a sacrifice to honor your values give up feeling like it’s a sacrifice by choosing it 100%. If you’re going to say yes anyway do it wholeheartedly. It’s relating to it like it’s an obligation that’s messing with your energy.

Focusing on Others: The Superhero Syndrome

Oh, how I love to help others. It makes me feel so good to solve other people’s problems, give them a helping hand, and take some of the stress off their shoulders.

I especially love it when I don’t want to deal with my own projects and problems.

Being able to focus on someone else for a while takes the attention off what’s causing me stress in my own life. This is a sure-fire way for me to feel better for a little while.

The problem is while I’m off saving the day for someone else my own stuff gets neglected: my business, my home, my finances, my health, etc.

All you current and recovering people-pleasers, are you with me?!

Tell me if this sounds familiar. It starts as you giving out of the generosity of your own heart. You see a need that you know you can take care of and your instinct is to take care of it. Because that’s you, your a giving person. It’s part of your identity.

So you swoop in and contribute your time, energy and/or resources and it is so appreciated and makes a difference that you light up on the inside. It’s like a drug. You get a jolt of the feel-goods so you do it again. And it starts to become a regular thing. So regular that other people stop relating to it as a gift that you generously, and with sacrifice to your own needs, give – and they start taking it for granted.

Now it’s no longer a gift, it’s an obligation and obligations don’t make you feel good they make you feel burdened. But if you stopped giving people would wonder what’s wrong with you, what made you so upset. And that’s not you. You’re not the type of person that takes things away just because you’re upset. That’s childish and you’re not childish.

Creation of an Identity Crisis

This is now a crisis to your identity. Continue to give resentfully or take it away and risk your reputation as a helpful, giving, generous person. So now you are on the hunt for any semi-valid excuse for why you can no longer give what’s expected of you.

I mean, you can’t possible just come out and say it no longer works for you to give or heaven forbid…ask to be recognized and appreciated for what you give. Heavens to Betsy, who the hell does that?!

All the while your own needs, your projects and your mission in life take a back seat – only to be given attention when there are deadlines, emergencies or wake-up calls.

And the saga continues. Cue the music.

Or maybe this is your wake-up call. Maybe it’s time to look at what you need, what you want and start seeing that your needs are met and you get what you want.

This is The Superhero Syndrome.

Another aspect of this syndrome is the constant need to fix problems, save the day and be the hero.

Helping someone find solutions and helping them resolve a problem when they want and need your help is great, but with The Superhero Syndrome help is given even if it is not asked for and sometimes, when it isn’t needed. The Superhero will become frustrated if others won’t let them help because The Superhero believes they know better.

Like allowing a toddler to wobble and fall as they are beginning to walk, we all need space to make mistakes and learn by doing. Now imagine The Superhero swooping in whenever the toddler goes to stand and takes their hand. That toddler will take a lot longer to learn to walk because they won’t develop the proper muscles or come to understand balance as quickly.

The Superhero sees people in need like toddlers who is about to fall and hit their head on the coffee table. It’s done with love and care but this perception The Superhero has puts them above everyone else and without knowing it The Superhero sends a message to others that they are better than them.

If you find yourself suffering from The Superhero Syndrome you are likely exhausted trying to keep everyone else from falling apart or making bad decisions. You also don’t have the time you’d like to get your own house in order.

Too Busy Taking Care of Everyone Else to Work on Your Own Life

But if you want to have the life you envisioned you have to switch from being the fixer to being the mentor (if that’s what the other person wants you to be).

To make sure you generosity and giving continue to feel good and a source of renewing energy for you start setting boundaries around your giving. Only give when you choose it, when it works for you.

If giving feels like an obligation either try to recreate it so there’s some energy there, or if it is no longer something that draws you bring it to an end in a way that works for you and your values.

Really consider what you want and what you need. Do you know what you need and what you want – and the difference between the two?

Also, consider what works for you and what does not work for you. There might be some conversations to be had that might make you a little uncomfortable but consider how uncomfortable it’s going to be for you to continue doing something that does work for you.

By being true to ourselves we model for others how they can be true to themselves as well.

Managing Your Alter-Ego

If it helps you to name your alter-ego, draw it, journal about it, or write a song about it. The more aware you are of this part of you the more power you will have over it.

When you know the thoughts, feelings and behaviors you have when your alter-ego has taken over – and what triggers those reactions – the better you will be at catching your alter-ego before it has done too much damage and you can handle the situation from there.

Trust me, knowing is half the battle. You are going to feel like a whole new woman as you start working through this process.

Resources

Accomplished: How to Go from Dreaming to Doing: A simple, step by step system that gives you the foundation and structure to take your goals and make them happen.

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